Please rate my draft from 1 - 10 as a bio and a strory


== Physical Appearance == Tall,, Handsome, Muscular, Full Head of Curly Hair, Mouth in a slight but constant sneer

Homeworld: Tatooine
Age: 16
Species: Human
Native Language: Galactice Basic, Hutese, Toydarian, Sullustan, Rodese
Gender: Male
Skin Color: Tan
Height: 6' 0''
Weight: 150 lbs.
Hair Color: Jet Black
Facial Hair: None (yet)
Eye Color: Yellow
Scars: None
Tattoos: None

== Background History ==
SoccerStar (Ali Jaber) was only six when he witnessed his parents get gunned down by the notorious Hutt, Zorba. In his rage, Ali ripped out a blaster from one of Zorba's Trandoshan henchman's scaly hand with what he perceived to be his mind. "So we have our selves a little jeeedi here, HO HO HO" Zorba howled. As a Twi'lek mercenary went in for the kill, Zorba blew a huge hole into the merc's chest with the portable ion cannon mounted on his slimy shoulder. "No, you will be far more useful to me alive" he said as he grabbed the boy and slithered away. The last thing the boy saw that night was his parents' blank faces staring at him as the left his parents' corpses in the clay domed house. As Ali grew, he told no one of his weird action at his parents' murder. Only him and Zorba knew what happened that night (the trandoshan "accidentally" fell of a sand skiff into a mouth of a sarlaac). The boy grew up to be the best marksman on the outer rim. He was also Zorba's right hand man and enforcer. Ali could kill anything in his way. He had amazingly supernatural reflexes, he had super strength. His strength was so great, he could lift a Rhonto with minor effort, and his reflexes so instant he could dodge blaster bolts. He seemed as if he could predict the blaster bolts. He had spared hand to hand with echani, mandalorians, zabraks, and defeated each as if they were children. The Mandalorians said they had not seen such prowess in battle since the mandalorian wars against Reven and some rogue jedi. From these compliments, Ali was flattered but also distressed. He was somewhat paranoind about people knowing his.........situation.
He could best anyone with a knife, pistol, explosive, and rifle on the outer rim and also boasted the Unknown regions too. He had killed a Krayt Dragon in the Dune Sea. He had been exploring the Dune Sea on his land speeder brooding after a fight with Zorba. He them felt a mysterious pull and headed to a cave. Then, suddenly, the was a huge roar and the ground shook, spreading dust into the air. Ali had looked up to see a huge, scaly, horned, and beaked monster growling at him. With his instinct, he automatically snapped his precision pistol out of his holster and started blasting at the thing. Every shot had hit the Krayt Dragon in the face but, the thing might as well had skin of durasteel. He them ran under the belly of the Krayt Dragon Sticking his vibro-blade into the belly above him while still moving. The vibro-blade shorted out and made a whirring noise indicating the vibro-cell had shorted out. Ali just kept moving knowing that there was no blocking, just dodging. He then had an idea! He ran to his land speeder and put the thing on full speed. Using the knowledge of the technology of almost all the vehicles on the outer rim, thanks to Zorba's paying for the best teachers and lessons availuable, he rigged the land-speeder to keep on moving at full speed no mater what. He then planted a thermal detonator in the front of the vehicle and rigged it to explode in 5 seconds. And then, he jumped and watched as the speeder was cropped up into the monster's mouth by the monster itself right after he jumped and counted............3............2..........1.......BOOM!!!!
The head of the beast disappeared in a cloud of smoke and red mist. Ali went to study the body not wanting to think of how he was going to get back home. In the gullet of the Beast's corpse.........he found two transparent crystals. These rare things were rumored to improve the accuracy of a lightsaber. "No," he thought, "These will serve as Trophies of my deed. He felt elated to fight something so big and powerful and exotic. Yet the mysterious tug still pulled Ali into the Krayt Dragon's lair. He went into the cave and discovered an old, ancient holoprojector. He somehow made it work and was greeted by what seemed a Rakatan. He recognized them from countless jedi and sith holocrons stored in Zorba's treasure room. He seemed to be the only one to make them work. He just simply focused on the object and it just, worked. Yet the holocrons would only allow him to delve so far into their secrets. He presumed the things probably worked on humans only and that was it. No supernatural force or anything, just needed a human to activate it. He also reasoned with himself that was the only explanation because he was the only human in Zorba's Palace.
The spoke of something called, "The Star Forge" and that was all he could understand. He only understood rudimentary Rakatan speak. There was a map showing Manaan, Kasshyk, Tatooine, Dantooine, and Korriban. Then a little compartment opened and two lightsabers along with a Holocron apeared!!! He had learned enough from the holocrons that one with no experience with lightsabers would have a better chance hurting oneself that the opponents. He carefully ignited the blades to find one was silver and the other........................red. He decided that it was definitely time to go home. He ended up finding a sandcrawler and killing the Jawas aboard. "This will be a nice present for Zorba" he said as he grinned. The lightsabers and holocron safely with him, Ali plotted a course home. Back at the Palace, Ali went straight to his room, "I must be the luckiest 16 year older ever!!!!!!" he screamed. He first tried to use the Holocron but it was no use.......the holocron did not react. "Thing must be broken he reasoned" he reasoned, "I'll fix it later."
Ali then went on a stroll around Mos Eisely and then went to Anchorhead. He took along with him his best friend a rodian, Tupa, who was his friend ever since his parents' murder and he was sent to the palace. They were checking out an old HK-47 droid at an old droid shop in Anchorhead. The crazy droid said it knew Darth Reven and would tell us amazing stories. He had just bought the thing when a thievery took place at the shop. Four Rodians were holding up the Quarren shop owner. Tupa shouted "HEY!" and got his head blast off. Ali immediately took both his pistols out of my holsters and shot two of them in between the eyes and the HK-47 took Tupa's blaster and shot a third in the fore head. Ali saw the one who shot Tupa ran out of the shop. He then followed and a crowd was gathering up outside. He took two knives out of his boot sheathes and threw them right into the legs of the Rodian, exactly where Ali wanted them to hit. He neatly and efficiently cut off his lower legs off by throwing the knives and making them spin horizontally instead of vertical. There was a recruitment garrison looking for recruits to sign up and they quickly surrounded the disabled rodian and me looming over the rodian. "Enough," the ensign said to Ali. The HK-47 model blocked the ensign and his fellow officers as if it knew what Ali was going to do. Ali took a vibro knife from my pouch which also contained the two lightsabers and the holocron. He then plunged his blade into the rodians throat and slide it from side to side. "Now it is enough," Ali said coldly. Instead of trying to incarcerate him, the Ensign offered Ali to sign up. "How olds are you son?" he asked. "I am 18, sir" Ali lied. "Then welcome aboard lad" he said pointing at the nearby spaceport. Ali pointed at the HK-47 and said "He comes with me." And Ali went on the ship, the only things left were the two lightsabers, the two Krayt Dragon Crystals, HK-47, and the Holocron.

== Character's Personality ==

SoccerStar (Ali) is has a very short temper but will never show it, he is super shy around gals but when the gals approach him, which they often do, he freezes as if paralyzed, he can be very sadistic, twisted and sick, but can also be very compassionate and empathetic towards those who went through similar things he went through. He enjoys killing and loves the Hunt.

Aeos wrote:Second, no reference to Jedi. You need to apply to the DJO for that. (Need to be active for 4-6 months before applying)

Also, the DJO needs to actually be accepting applications.

Soccer, criticism is suppose to be brutal if you ask for it.

Why not take some of Aeos' comments and actually apply them? It couldn't take much of your time.

Please rate my draft from 1 - 10 as a bio and a strory


== Physical Appearance == Tall,, Handsome, Muscular, Full Head of Curly Hair, Mouth in a slight but constant sneer

Homeworld: Tatooine
Age: 17
Species: Human
Native Language: Galactice Basic, Hutese, Toydarian, Sullustan, Rodese
Gender: Male
Skin Color: Tan
Height: 6' 0''
Weight: 150 lbs.
Hair Color: Jet Black
Facial Hair: None (yet)
Eye Color: Yellow
Scars: None
Tattoos: None

== Background History ==
SoccerStar (Ali Jaber) was only six when he witnessed his parents get gunned down by the notorious Hutt, Zorba. In his rage, Ali (somehow demonstates some minor supernatural kinetic like feat as to make Zorba suspect the force [please post any suggestions]) "So we have our selves a little jeeedi here, HO HO HO" Zorba howled. As a Twi'lek mercenary went in for the kill, Zorba blew a huge hole into the merc's chest with the portable ion cannon mounted on his slimy shoulder. "No, you will be far more useful to me alive" he said as he grabbed the boy and slithered away. The last thing the boy saw that night was his parents' blank faces staring at him as the left his parents' corpses in the clay domed house. As Ali grew, he told no one of his weird action at his parents' murder. Only him and Zorba knew what happened that night (the trandoshan "accidentally" fell of a sand skiff into a mouth of a sarlaac). The boy grew up to be the best marksman on the outer rim. He was also Zorba's right hand man and enforcer. Ali could kill anything in his way. He had amazingly supernatural reflexes, he had super strength. His strength was so great, he could lift a Rhonto with minor effort, and his reflexes so instant he could dodge blaster bolts. He seemed as if he could predict the blaster bolts. He had spared hand to hand with echani, mandalorians, zabraks, and defeated each as if they were children. The Mandalorians said they had not seen such prowess in battle since the mandalorian wars against Reven and some rogue jedi. From these compliments, Ali was flattered but also distressed. He was somewhat paranoind about people knowing his.........situation.
He could best anyone with a knife, pistol, explosive, and rifle on the outer rim and also boasted the Unknown regions too. He had killed a Krayt Dragon in the Dune Sea. He had been exploring the Dune Sea on his land speeder brooding after a fight with Zorba. He them felt a mysterious pull and headed to a cave. Then, suddenly, the was a huge roar and the ground shook, spreading dust into the air. Ali had looked up to see a huge, scaly, horned, and beaked monster growling at him. With his instinct, he automatically snapped his precision pistol out of his holster and started blasting at the thing. Every shot had hit the Krayt Dragon in the face but, the thing might as well had skin of durasteel. He them ran under the belly of the Krayt Dragon Sticking his vibro-blade into the belly above him while still moving. The vibro-blade shorted out and made a whirring noise indicating the vibro-cell had shorted out. Ali just kept moving knowing that there was no blocking, just dodging. He then had an idea! He ran to his land speeder and put the thing on full speed. Using the knowledge of the technology of almost all the vehicles on the outer rim, thanks to Zorba's paying for the best teachers and lessons availuable, he rigged the land-speeder to keep on moving at full speed no mater what. He then planted a thermal detonator in the front of the vehicle and rigged it to explode in 5 seconds. And then, he jumped and watched as the speeder was cropped up into the monster's mouth by the monster itself right after he jumped and counted............3............2..........1.......BOOM!!!!


The head of the beast disappeared in a cloud of smoke and red mist. Ali went to study the body not wanting to think of how he was going to get back home. In the gullet of the Beast's corpse.........he found two transparent crystals. These rare things were rumored to improve the accuracy of a lightsaber. "No," he thought, "These will serve as Trophies of my deed. He felt elated to fight something so big and powerful and exotic. Yet the mysterious tug still pulled Ali into the Krayt Dragon's lair. He went into the cave and discovered an old, ancient holoprojector. He somehow made it work and was greeted by what seemed a Rakatan. He recognized them from countless jedi and sith holocrons stored in Zorba's treasure room. He seemed to be the only one to make them work. He just simply focused on the object and it just, worked. Yet the holocrons would only allow him to delve so far into their secrets. He presumed the things probably worked on humans only and that was it. No supernatural force or anything, just needed a human to activate it. He also reasoned with himself that was the only explanation because he was the only human in Zorba's Palace.


The spoke of something called, "The Star Forge" and that was all he could understand. He only understood rudimentary Rakatan speak. There was a map showing Manaan, Kasshyk, Tatooine, Dantooine, and Korriban. Then a little compartment opened and two lightsabers along with a Holocron apeared!!! He had learned enough from the holocrons that one with no experience with lightsabers would have a better chance hurting oneself that the opponents. He carefully ignited the blades to find one was silver and the other........................red. He decided that it was definitely time to go home. He ended up finding a sandcrawler and killing the Jawas aboard. "This will be a nice present for Zorba" he said as he grinned. The lightsabers and holocron safely with him, Ali plotted a course home. Back at the Palace, Ali went straight to his room, "I must be the luckiest 17 year older ever!!!!!!" he screamed. He first tried to use the Holocron but it was no use.......the holocron did not react. "Thing must be broken he reasoned" he reasoned, "I'll fix it later."


Ali then went on a stroll around Mos Eisely and then went to Anchorhead. He took along with him his best friend a rodian, Tupa, who was his friend ever since his parents' murder and he was sent to the palace. They were checking out an old HK-47 droid at an old droid shop in Anchorhead. The crazy droid said it knew Darth Reven and would tell us amazing stories. He had just bought the thing when a thievery took place at the shop. Four Rodians were holding up the Quarren shop owner. Tupa shouted "HEY!" and got his head blast off. Ali immediately took both his pistols out of my holsters and shot two of them in between the eyes and the HK-47 took Tupa's blaster and shot a third in the fore head. Ali saw the one who shot Tupa ran out of the shop. He then followed and a crowd was gathering up outside. He took two knives out of his boot sheathes and threw them right into the legs of the Rodian, exactly where Ali wanted them to hit. He neatly and efficiently cut off his lower legs off by throwing the knives and making them spin horizontally instead of vertical. There was a recruitment garrison looking for recruits to sign up and they quickly surrounded the disabled rodian and me looming over the rodian. "Enough," the ensign said to Ali. The HK-47 model blocked the ensign and his fellow officers as if it knew what Ali was going to do. Ali took a vibro knife from my pouch which also contained the two lightsabers and the holocron. He then plunged his blade into the rodians throat and slide it from side to side. "Now it is enough," Ali said coldly. Instead of trying to incarcerate him, the Ensign offered Ali to sign up. "How olds are you son?" he asked. "I am 18, sir" Ali lied. "Then welcome aboard lad" he said pointing at the nearby spaceport. Ali pointed at the HK-47 and said "He comes with me." And Ali went on the ship, the only things left were the two lightsabers, the two Krayt Dragon Crystals, HK-47, and the Holocron.

== Character's Personality ==

SoccerStar (Ali) is has a very short temper but will never show it, he is super shy around gals but when the gals approach him, which they often do, he freezes as if paralyzed, he can be very sadistic, twisted and sick, but can also be very compassionate and empathetic towards those who went through similar things he went through. He enjoys killing and loves the Hunt.

I wanted to hold back on this, but hell, why not.

All things Force related are governed by the DJO, specifically the Dark Council. It is our policy that the Force and it's surrounding paraphernalia and personnel (i.e. lightsabers, Jedi) are off-limits to non-DJO personnel.

Just stop your crazy difficult life of no responsibilities and think about it for a second. The Jedi have all been dead for nigh 30 years. The Emperor sequestered all knowledge of the Force, destroyed the Jedi Temple and built over it. The general populace knows nothing of the Force. It is almost taboo at this point. Why? Because the last thing the Emperor wanted was the Jedi Order revived. As Han Solo said, "Hokey religions and ancient weapons ..."

If you don't like it...tough. Write your congressman.

well then, thank you guys.....................

its just i am busy and all, but thank you guys for the criticism..............i did ask for it.

Well, it looks ALOT better, I see you understood more or less what I explained.

Now, as for the holocrons and ligthsabers and everything, I'll leave it up to your trainers on how they accept or want it edited/removed.

The only part that really bothers me now, and its only an opinion. Technically its acceptable:

He had amazingly supernatural reflexes, he had super strength. His strength was so great, he could lift a Rhonto with minor effort, and his reflexes so instant he could dodge blaster bolts. He seemed as if he could predict the blaster bolts. He had spared hand to hand with echani, mandalorians, zabraks, and defeated each as if they were children. The Mandalorians said they had not seen such prowess in battle since the mandalorian wars against Reven and some rogue jedi. From these compliments, Ali was flattered of course, and one of his greatest weaknesses did show, his cockiness.

I'll be honest Soccer,
It in no way will I ever take you seriously as a writer if you keep that.

Wow, I have never seen a better example of godmodding in my life!

Not everyone can be a Jedi, no matter how much you want to be. i am sorry if that breaks your heart. Oh, and just to say, when I was 11, i wasn't as bad as you are. Please read other people's profiles, and you will see that you are just a stormtrooper right now, and maybe someday you will be a Dark Jedi. But until then, please act like it. What you are doing isn't hinting at force sensitivity, it is showing it. you sound like somebody out of a superhero comic.

== Background History ==
SoccerStar (Ali Jaber) was only six when he witnessed his parents get gunned down by the notorious Hutt, Zorba. In his rage, Ali charged at Zorba, fists flying.

"So we have our selves a little fighter here, HO HO HO" Zorba howled.

As a Twi'lek mercenary went in for the kill, Zorba blew a huge hole into the merc's chest with the portable ion cannon mounted on his slimy shoulder.

"No, you will be far more useful to me alive, as my slave" he said as he grabbed the boy and slithered away.

The last thing the boy saw that night was his parents' blank faces staring at him as the left his parents' corpses in the clay domed house. As Ali grew, he had grown more reckless, more agitated, and he thirsted for blood. The boy grew up to be the best marksman and swordsman on the outer rim. He was also Zorba's right hand man and enforcer. Ali could kill anything in his way. He had amazingly supernatural reflexes, they were so fast he could dodge blaster bolts. He had spared hand to hand with echani, mandalorians, zabraks, and defeated each as if they were children. The Mandalorians said they had not seen such prowess in battle since the mandalorian wars against Reven and some rogue jedi. From these compliments, Ali was flattered of course, and one of his greatest weaknesses did show, his cockiness.

Ali had earned the Hutt's attention with his prowess in battle. At the time, Zorba's gang, "The Nal Hutta Hunters", was in a gang fight with "The Dune Dukes" and "The Tatooine Titans." In one fell swoop, both rival gangs had fallen upon Zorba's capital city, Anchorhead, at the same time.

The village's crier fresh from the preaching the village's problems, shouted " Lord have mercy upon us, I see raiders!"

At the dread sound of that name, the villagers had woken up and leapt to their feet just to be nearly knocked down from the site of the two gangs approaching. They had hears tales of reducing Neptune, Bluerock, and Landsfall into scars on the land. The denizens of those people from the towns had been murdered, women and children alike, along with the men of course. The Raiders played very intimidating drums. They had also have been rumored to fashion flesh from victims' scalps into cloaks, and of course, the very intimidating drums....

The Raiders brandish their blasters and their vibroblades. Desperate to buy time for their families to flee, the villager men prepared to fight. But when they see the the true extent of the raiders' numbers, they realize that thier efforts would be futile and suicidal; there were just too many of them. Most of the first wave was oddly human, if they could be that. Most were bearded, wrapped in dewback scales or bantha fur. Then a hopeful cry bursts forward from the village at the sight of misty shadows looming through the desert. "Thank Goodness, one villager exclaims, "lord Zorba!!!" A massive barrage of laser fire from Zorba's gang totters and destroys most of the first wave. Yet the raiders did not falter. Mad with blood rage, they march over the bodies of fallen comrades and keep pushing to the village walls. The "Nal Hutta Hunters" met them, vibroswords and vibroaxes flailing, blaster bolts flying overhead. Yet, the hurrahs of the villagers soon chokes in their throats as the barbarians still push through! Zorba and his general, Vogga, fight back to back, surrounded and cut off from the rest of their army. Their thick hides protect them from blaster fire, but the vibro axes and blades are the threats. Just when they were about to be overwhelmed, a shadowy figure appeared on a small sand hill.

"Ali," Zorba realizes, "finally."

Mounted upon a Wraid, the figure wields two Vibroswords, one in each hand, and cuts a bloody swath through the raiders' army. Creating an exit route, Zorba and Vogga flee to recover. Zorba's Champion fights like a winged warrior. His blades dancing in an eerie, fluid grace, chopping and stabbing, clearing the area around him. Many villagers had fought in many battles, but none had seen such a display of lethal swordsmanship. Nimble as a ferret among snakes, the champion cut a swath through the raiders with his mount as if it were a weapon itself. He directs his mount into the thickest knot among the battle. He then is in the middle of the melee. He ten takes sight of a huge massive wookie, a general he presumed, taking on four of Zorba's men at the same time and killing each with what seemed very small and light blades in each hand. Charging at the wookie, the wookie moves at the last moment and shears of the legs of Ali's Wraid. Mount-less, Ali is forced to take on the Wookie himself. Cockily thinking that the wookie was strong but slow, Ali tried to shear of the wookie's head but the wookie, lightning fast, defended himself with one blade and punches Ali five feet away. Ali, shocked, realizes that the blades being small and light, the wookie compensated for his lack of speed. Also, a moment later, Ali realizes that he lost his vibroswords in the wookie's savage counterattack.

"It is going to be a challenge" he thinks to himself.

Ali then brandishes his double vibro sword from his back. The deadly blade, with a sword on either end, was very muck like the famed doublebladed lightsaber wielded by Darth Maul that he had read about. Attacking the wookie again and again, he finally severed one arm of the wookie after about ten minutes of hard cold and painful combat. Yet the wookie kept on fighting!!!! Then realizing the two blaster holsters, one on each side of his legs..........

"Duh" he thought to himself, "what an idiot i am!"

Wielding a blaster in each hand, he shoots two bolts through the wookie's head, each into each of the wookie's eyes. He then notices that the battle was over and that the opposing gangs retreated. He then jumped out of surprise to see Zorba an Vogga clapping at his recent kill.

"Very good Ali," Zorba says " though I would have made him suffer or at least captured him"

After the battle, the group return to Zorba's Place. Then Ali showered and went to his room thinking about his recent battle and how he could better himself. He could best anyone with a knife, pistol, explosive, and rifle on the outer rim and also boasted the Unknown regions too. Yet, he felt as if something was calling to him that would answer his question. He had been exploring the Dune Sea on his land speeder due to his feeling and he had to investigate. He them felt a mysterious pull and headed to a cave. Then, suddenly, the was a huge roar and the ground shook, spreading dust into the air. Ali had looked up to see a huge, scaly, horned, and beaked monster growling at him. With his instinct, he automatically snapped his precision pistol out of his holster and started blasting at the thing. Every shot had hit the Krayt Dragon in the face but, the thing might as well had skin of durasteel. He them ran under the belly of the Krayt Dragon Sticking his vibro-blade into the belly above him while still moving. The vibro-blade shorted out and made a whirring noise indicating the vibro-cell had shorted out. Ali just kept moving knowing that there was no blocking, just dodging. He then had an idea! He ran to his land speeder and put the thing on full speed. Using the knowledge of the technology of almost all the vehicles on the outer rim, thanks to Zorba's paying for the best teachers and lessons availuable, he rigged the land-speeder to keep on moving at full speed no mater what. He then planted a thermal detonator in the front of the vehicle and rigged it to explode in 5 seconds. And then, he jumped and watched as the speeder was cropped up into the monster's mouth by the monster itself right after he jumped and counted............3............2..........1.......BOOM!!!!


The head of the beast disappeared in a cloud of smoke and red mist. Ali went to study the body not wanting to think of how he was going to get back home. In the gullet of the Beast's corpse.........he found two transparent crystals. These rare things were rumored to improve the accuracy of a lightsaber.

"No," he thought, "These will serve as trophies of my kill."

He felt elated to fight something so big and powerful and exotic.

Yet the mysterious tug still pulled Ali into the Krayt Dragon's lair. He went into the cave and discovered an old, ancient holoprojector. He somehow fixed to make it work and was greeted by what seemed a Rakatan. He recognized them from countless archives and pieces of work from thousands of years ago in Zorba's treasure room. He seemed to be the only one read them. He just simply could not stop reading them in his spare time. He had learned so many secrets from them. The ancient flimsiplast contained records dating back to the Old Republic to the present. He presumed that many people had to pay for Zorba's greed in attaining such valuable items from Aaeton to Zygeria.
The guardian spoke of something called, "The Star Forge" and that was all he could understand. He only understood rudimentary Rakatan speak. There was a map showing Manaan, Kasshyk, Tatooine, Dantooine, and Korriban. He disregarded the information as from the Old Republic and was useless anyway. The planet may had had a Old Republic culture and way of life, but that was only the backwater planets that couldn't adapt to the present galaxy. The Old Republic was long gone, but the way of life had remained. Then a little compartment opened and a mysterious black box had appeared! He had tried to open the black box but he could not, the thing would not budge. He carefully ignited a surgical laser to open it but still, no success. He decided that it was definitely time to go home. He ended up finding a sandcrawler and killing the Jawas aboard. "This will be a nice present for Zorba" he said as he grinned and peered over his soldier to the nice salvage that the Jawas had recovered. The Black box safely with him, in his backpack, Ali plotted a course home. Back at the Palace, Ali went straight to his room. He first tried to open the box but it still wouldn't open.

"Thing must be broken," he reasoned" he reasoned, "I'll fix it later."

Ali then went on a stroll around Mos Eisely and then went to Anchorhead, the city he had saved just a while ago. He took along with him his best friend a rodian, Tupa, who was his friend ever since his parents' murder and he was sent to the palace. They were checking out an old HK-47 droid at an old droid shop in Anchorhead. The crazy droid said it knew of Darth Reven and that one of his predesessors really knew him and would tell Ali and Tupa amazing stories.

"I think I'll call you, Muhammad" Ali said.

Ali had just bought the thing when a thievery took place at the shop. Four Rodians were holding up the Quarren shop owner.

Tupa shouted "HEY!" and got his head blast off.

Ali immediately took both his pistols out of my holsters and shot two of them in between the eyes and the HK-47 took Tupa's blaster and shot a third in the fore head. Ali saw the one who shot Tupa ran out of the shop. He then followed and a crowd was gathering up outside. He took two knives out of his boot sheathes and threw them right into the legs of the Rodian, exactly where Ali wanted them to hit. He neatly and efficiently cut off his lower legs off by throwing the knives and making them spin horizontally instead of vertical. There was a recruitment garrison looking for recruits to sign up and they quickly surrounded the disabled rodian and Ali looming over the crippled rodian.

"Enough," the ensign said to Ali.

The HK-47 model blocked the ensign and his fellow officers as if it knew what Ali was going to do. Ali took a vibro knife from his backpack which also contained the black box and Krayt Dragon Crystals. He then plunged his blade into the rodian's throat and slide it from side to side.

"Now it is enough," Ali said coldly.

Instead of trying to incarcerate him, the Ensign offered Ali to sign up.

"How old are you son?" he asked.

"I am 18, sir" Ali said.

"Then welcome aboard lad," he said pointing at the nearby spaceport.

Ali pointed at the HK-47 and said "He comes with me."

And Ali went on the ship, the only things left were the black box, Mohammed, the two Krayt Dragon Crystals, and his question.





This is a work in progress, just wanted to show you guys a little, what i hope, improvement


By the way, TX-47, thank you for giving me critisism in a positive way, though i am not saying the other critisism was not appreciated, and I love KOTOR too

anything else i miss?




i really think i at least made it a little better right?



i followed most of the criticism handed put to me..............

Aiight, I realize that you CoT is currently MIA, and that we're all trying to help, but maybe we should keep the input coming from one or two people. It can get confusing, otherwise.

guys one question, is this supposed to take this long to make one bio? Angel, there i no plagarism in this thing i promise (and anyways, would you really think it was this bad if i did?)

a few questions.........



Can i keep a little god-moding? Just a tiny bit.

Sorry, but i am new to this writing thing, "eclipses?"




Guys (and gals), just quote the parts of the bio you no like and I'll consider revising them (I am not making any promises), and if you could, please suggest some replacements for them too.


Ands always, thank you guys (and gals), for the critism

I will await your suggestions with "baited breath"...........

When I was joining the Imperial Entanglements site/group I was overly ambitious; a fault not uncommon to those inspired by Star Wars to dream bigger. I think I was close to a dozen drafts when all was said and done. My Vast Empire characters not so much; like 3-4 drafts for Tank and 2 or 3 for Starbukk.

A thing to consider is thinking of the VE as like an MMORPG. One person running around in god-mode isn't just breaking the rules; it's annoying, unfair and ruins the enjoyment of the other players.  A group of such 'cheaters' is much worse.  Players caught cheating in most MMO's are banned or at least face suspended accounts and/or other penalties.

This last bit is important.  Seriously.  What fun is there if there is no challenge?  Even Superman and Green Lantern, for all their power, are still mortal.  There have been stories were they are killed, sometimes just to prove that point.  If every villain were a pushover, then what could hold the readers' interest?  Why would they come back for more?